From The Outside Looking In

Divorce is kind of like politics. You pick one side or the other. There is absolutely no in between. Unless you have a beautiful, magical divorce where you’re both friends afterwards and everything is rainbows and glitter. We’ll call that the green party. Ya know, the one that NEVER HAPPENS. In politics, once you’ve decided on your party, you can have hour long debates and your opinion will probably never change. Same thing with people in divorce. If you tell your girlfriends that your husband left you because he’s a cheating, lying asshole…well, they’re probably always going to think that. Same with men.

Here’s the thing though, I tried to stay very neutral on Jeff’s divorce. Mainly because of the children, also because I’ve been called the crazy bitch before when I wasn’t being a crazy bitch…he was just a dick. So when Jeff would tell me stories about her, I would try and look at them from a woman’s point of view (because we all know that’s completely different.) Here’s an example: Keep in mind, Jeff is still living with his ex and sleeping with me. He bought a new pack of white t-shirts and left them in the trunk of his car. The ex found them and freaked out on him saying he was cheating on him and asking him why he needed to hide his new t-shirts. Jeff thought this was crazy. I thought, “but you are cheating on her…”

That was looking from the outside in. When you’re not in the middle of it, you have the opportunity to look at things and say, “well wait a second, I can understand that.” It’s actually a great spot to be in and sometimes I wish I took more advantage of it, because I could’ve “studied” Jeff a little more in those situations. It was things like that where I thought to myself, is she as bad as he says she is? Maybe she’s not crazy, and he’s just a dick. This was a big problem for me for a little while, because I didn’t want to help wreck a home, I didn’t want to waste my time with anyone and I didn’t want to put this woman in a situation like this. So I stopped listening, and I watched.

When my mom used to tell me “actions speak louder than words,” I used to roll my eyes and blow her off, but she was right (damn it she was always right). Quickly, the ex made it so I wasn’t on the outside anymore. Which, I guess rightfully so. Therefore, I was right in the middle and I saw everything. I saw actions that would make me question what marriage and motherhood were in a matter of seconds. I thought marriages were magical and romantic, and I learned they could be nasty and brutal. I thought motherhood was beautiful and wanted, but I learned that for some it was ugly and inconvenient. This was heartbreaking to me. Everything I knew and hoped for since I was a little girl was ripped to shreds from watching this woman. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. It also sounds like I’m describing this as a bad thing, which, I am. However, I’m happy she showed this to me because without it, I wouldn’t know how excited I am to give the best love and marriage possible to Jeff one day. I wouldn’t know how blessed I am to have two of the most beautiful children in my life and see them grow every day. I might not be their mother, but I do want to be their role model and I strive for that every day.

So while looking from the outside in was easier, and being a supporter of the “green party” was ideal, I am so happy to be in the middle of this political mess and to be a radical supporter for my man and his two children. And no debate will change that.

The Beginning

So I guess I should start from the beginning right? For those of you who know me, you know my relationship with my boyfriend and you know the conditions that come with it. For those of you who don’t, well, you will after you finish reading all my blog posts. Just so everyone is aware, I am going to change some names in here for protection purposes. Not to protect them (HELL no, not to protect them), but to protect me. I’m not in the mood to get sued for defamation of character or any other bullshit they can pull out of their ass for this.

So here it is. Jeff (that’s his real name) is my wonderful boyfriend that I raved about in my last blog post. He has two children, Money and Brown (not their real names, but if you know their real names you’ll find this comical. At least…I do). Anyways, I worked for Jeff at a hotel for about a year and a half and he was by far the best boss and mentor I’ve ever had. I’m not just saying that now that I’m with him, I mean it. He was a phenomenal leader, he taught me everything I needed to know about front desk and being professional and, for the first time, I actually wanted to listen. Now, I did have a HUGE crush on him. I would purposely walk past his office to make copies of blank paper just to get a glimpse of him. I would work with him on Sunday mornings and I would wake up extra early just to curl my hair and put on make up. I would even get butterflies when he would come out to the front desk still buttoning his suit jacket because I wondered what it looked like when he took it off. OMG, sorry, now I’m getting all 50 Shades of Grey shit on y’all and I’m sure you’re like, “stop obsessing over your boyfriend and get on with it.” But this is important to the story…kind of ūüėČ

Basically what I’m trying to say is, I’ve been in love with this man for a while. Therefore, I’m not some random “whore” that just popped up and slept with someone’s husband just because. I knew his conditions. I knew his background. I knew his baggage. No 24 year old (at that time 22, so take that into consideration), jumps into a married guys arms knowing he has two children and a wife and thinks everything is going to be A-okay. And let me remind you. I’m a SMART 24 year old. I might have my blonde ditzy moments, but shit, I’ve got my 4-year college degree, moved myself to a new state by myself, have my own apartment and have for two years, have my own car, pay my own bills, have a damn good job that’s more advanced than a lot of people my age, started my own business at 16 and let me add that I have wonderful parents that could have done this all for me but I didn’t allow them too. I know this is bragging, but I have a right to and that right there is my resume to prove that I’m not just some girl who thinks she can come in and assume a life with a 33 year old, married father is going to be perfect. I was VERY well aware of that.

I will be honest with y’all, and I’ve been questioned on this many times: was he still living with his wife when you two slept together?

Yes.

Listen, like I said before, this blog is going to be real and raw ON BOTH ENDS. I’m not going to hide the wrong things I’ve done because I’m sure as hell not perfect. But let’s go back to that question, because it’s important. I did sleep with him when he was still living with his wife. I do want to be clear that he was on his way out. I know that doesn’t sound believable, but it’s true. I think this question and my answer leads me in to the first couple parts of my blog and that is: why people leave from the outside looking in. Read that again. From the outside looking in. I will be writing about what he told me, and then why I think he left. These are the parts that I think will piss people off the most. “Why does your opinion matter?” and “you weren’t involved in their marriage, you don’t know?” YES I DO! I’ve been deeply, deeply involved in their marriage now for the past year during this dragged out divorce. And if this is what their marriage was like (and according to multiple sources, it was) then I don’t blame him.

All of this being said, I do promise to make this blog as unbiased as possible. My purpose of this whole thing is not only to express frustration that I’ve been bottling up inside, but to also relay a message and side of a situation that people don’t hear very often. I don’t think I can do that effectively by only sharing what SHE did wrong. Some would say, “good, that wouldn’t be fair.” No, that wouldn’t be EFFECTIVE in sharing the message I want people to understand. Because at the end of the day, and what you will learn just as I did through this whole process, nothing is ever fair. The word “fair” is circumstantial and is never based on equality. I will leave you with this:

“What’s equal is not always fair, and what’s fair is not always equal.”

-The Paramour Parent

Before I Start…

Before I start this long journey of blogging (which I’m not sure how all of this works, so bear with me), I want to cover a few things that are very important. This blog is very personal. It is the first time that I will openly share my side of my boyfriend’s divorce and custody battle which are extremely touchy and emotional subjects. I will also criticize, analyze and question motherhood that will probably insult and, quite frankly, piss a lot of people off. But I want to let my readers know that I respect motherhood more now than I ever have in my entire life. I idolize women who take care of children day in and out and I watch their every move to see what I can improve on in my daily life. Therefore, what I am about to say in my future blog posts is not to purposely insult or discredit anyone’s past experiences or feelings. These are my experiences, my thoughts and my convictions and I stand firmly by them.

So let me give y’all a quick run down of why I decided to start this blog: I have been dating my wonderful boyfriend for a year now. I know, I know, every girl says her guy is “great” and “amazing” on social media to get the likes and attention, but I mean it. My man is fucking incredible (I curse a lot, here is your warning). It’s not about the flowers, or dinners or gifts he gives me. It’s about how much he wants to see me happy and to succeed. It’s about how he wants to be equal, not better. It’s about how he wants to always talk about OUR future, never about the past. So that’s why I used to ask myself, “why on earth would a woman ever be so terrible to him, that he would get to the point of wanting to leave?” Because to me, that’s pretty bad. I doubted him. I would ask him if he was telling me the truth. I would become a professional social media detective when he would leave my apartment and see if I could get a glimpse in to their married life and find out any information he was leaving out. Nothing.

And then, she started to make me feel terrible for ever doubting him. For ever making him feel guilty for leaving her (as if leaving your children and the social backlash of a divorce isn’t enough.) Voicemails, Instagram messages to my friends, text messages, letters, phone calls, you name it were just the start of what she started doing to me. But what made me finally want to start writing, is what she was doing to the children. Like I said at the beginning of this post, these subjects are extremely sensitive and are not easy to write about. I can imagine their not easy to read either. Because of a recent event, I have gotten to a point where I don’t have a legal voice, I refuse to share this with the children, my boyfriend and I need to keep a healthy and happy household and relationship and I cannot bring this in to my professional career. Therefore, this blog will hold my frustrations, the events that take place and my honest and raw feelings on being The Paramour Parent.

Until next time,

Haley

About Me

par·a·mour
noun
a lover, especially the illicit partner of a married person.
par·ent
verb
be or act as a mother or father to (someone).
Haley·Peters
noun
a 24 year old with a heart so big it could explode at any minute; blonde with a brain to match it; hard-working, professional party planner; cat hoarder; fairytale love believer; obsessive pinner; confident roll-model to her boyfriend’s two amazing children and won’t let any bitch tell her otherwise; compulsive curser.