From The Outside Looking In

Divorce is kind of like politics. You pick one side or the other. There is absolutely no in between. Unless you have a beautiful, magical divorce where you’re both friends afterwards and everything is rainbows and glitter. We’ll call that the green party. Ya know, the one that NEVER HAPPENS. In politics, once you’ve decided on your party, you can have hour long debates and your opinion will probably never change. Same thing with people in divorce. If you tell your girlfriends that your husband left you because he’s a cheating, lying asshole…well, they’re probably always going to think that. Same with men.

Here’s the thing though, I tried to stay very neutral on Jeff’s divorce. Mainly because of the children, also because I’ve been called the crazy bitch before when I wasn’t being a crazy bitch…he was just a dick. So when Jeff would tell me stories about her, I would try and look at them from a woman’s point of view (because we all know that’s completely different.) Here’s an example: Keep in mind, Jeff is still living with his ex and sleeping with me. He bought a new pack of white t-shirts and left them in the trunk of his car. The ex found them and freaked out on him saying he was cheating on him and asking him why he needed to hide his new t-shirts. Jeff thought this was crazy. I thought, “but you are cheating on her…”

That was looking from the outside in. When you’re not in the middle of it, you have the opportunity to look at things and say, “well wait a second, I can understand that.” It’s actually a great spot to be in and sometimes I wish I took more advantage of it, because I could’ve “studied” Jeff a little more in those situations. It was things like that where I thought to myself, is she as bad as he says she is? Maybe she’s not crazy, and he’s just a dick. This was a big problem for me for a little while, because I didn’t want to help wreck a home, I didn’t want to waste my time with anyone and I didn’t want to put this woman in a situation like this. So I stopped listening, and I watched.

When my mom used to tell me “actions speak louder than words,” I used to roll my eyes and blow her off, but she was right (damn it she was always right). Quickly, the ex made it so I wasn’t on the outside anymore. Which, I guess rightfully so. Therefore, I was right in the middle and I saw everything. I saw actions that would make me question what marriage and motherhood were in a matter of seconds. I thought marriages were magical and romantic, and I learned they could be nasty and brutal. I thought motherhood was beautiful and wanted, but I learned that for some it was ugly and inconvenient. This was heartbreaking to me. Everything I knew and hoped for since I was a little girl was ripped to shreds from watching this woman. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. It also sounds like I’m describing this as a bad thing, which, I am. However, I’m happy she showed this to me because without it, I wouldn’t know how excited I am to give the best love and marriage possible to Jeff one day. I wouldn’t know how blessed I am to have two of the most beautiful children in my life and see them grow every day. I might not be their mother, but I do want to be their role model and I strive for that every day.

So while looking from the outside in was easier, and being a supporter of the “green party” was ideal, I am so happy to be in the middle of this political mess and to be a radical supporter for my man and his two children. And no debate will change that.

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